Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
* Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
* George Carlin

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
* Carol Leifer

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be
caught dead in otherwise.
* Roger Simon

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
* Dave Edison

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a
bank robbery has just taken place.
* Johnny Carson

It's not hard to tell we was poor when you saw the toilet paper dryin'
on the clothesline.
* George Lindsey

I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the
Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like
shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
* Jack Mayberry

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking
the locks, they are always locking three.
* Elayne Boosler

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
* John Mendoza

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may
be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from
animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
* Jeff Stilson

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
* Rita Mae Brown

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
* Jerry Seinfeld

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
"You know a cow was murdered for that jacket"? she sneered. I replied
in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now
I'll have to kill you too."
* Jake Johansen

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
* Lily Tomlin

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize.... I could be eating a slow learner.
* Lynda Montgomery

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the
building using individual security cards. Pictures will be
taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards
in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at
Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, Washington.)

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It
should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager,
Electric Boat Company)

This project is so important, we can't let things that are
more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing
manager, United Parcel Service)