A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends
wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read
the card; it said "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how
angry he was, the florist said.

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting
angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking
place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
"Congratulations on your new location.

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THERE was a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and
elegant, especially in language. She and her husband were planning a
week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a campground and asked for
a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped,
but didn't know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just
could not bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter.
After much deliberation, she finally came up with the term
"bathroom commode". But after writing that down, she still thought
she was being too forward, so she rewrote the entire letter and
referred to the "bathroom commode" merely as the "BC". "Does the
campground have its own BC?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when
he got the letter, he just couldn't figure what the woman was
talking about. That "BC" business really stumped him. He showed
the letter to several couples, but they couldn't imagine what the
lady meant either. So the campground owner finally came to the
conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of
the nearest Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

DEAR MADAM,

I regret the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the
pleasure of informing you that a BC is located 9 miles north of
the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.
It is located in a beautiful pine grove and is open only on Sundays
and Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in
the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know
that many people take their lunch along and make a day of it.
They usually arrive early and stay late.

My daughter met her husband in the BC. Sometimes it is so crowded
there are five to a seat. It may interest you to know that right now
there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are
going to hold it in the basement of the BC. It pains me very much not
to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely not due to a lack
of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort,
particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come to our campground,
perhaps I could go with you the first time you go and sit with you
and introduce you to all the other folks. We will be sure to get
a seat up front where you can be seen by everyone. Remember, we are
a friendly community.

Sincerely, the Campground Owner.

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The Bible According to Kids
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The cute statements below are said to have been written by actual
students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected:

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating
the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble
with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like
Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread
which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
Carta.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others
before they do one to you.
He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which
is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

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