On the first day of college, the dean addresses the
students pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all
male students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined
$20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second
time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a
hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
A short silence is broken by a male in the auditorium who shouts, "How much for a season pass?"
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates
reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all
be driving twentyfive dollar cars that got 1,000 miles
per gallon." General Motors addressed this comment by
releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car
to crash twice a day?"
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a
positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double
negative is still a negative."
"However." he pointed out, "there is no language wherein
a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah right."
A lawyer defended a man accused of burglary with: "My client
merely
inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles.
His
arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole
individual for an offense committed by his limb." " Well put,"
the
judge
replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one
years
imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The
defendant
smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb,
laid
it on the bench, and walked out.
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it
work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it
cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with
that?"
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out
to
the store and buys these things. A man waits until the only items left
in
his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping.
He
buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the
checkout
counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to
the10-items-or-less lane.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear
every
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were
hip
about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is
finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
U-Haul
and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect
to
meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by
re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE: An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing"
on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect
who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When
detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the
words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man
shouted, "That's not what I said!"
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is
pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you
idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"