EVERY FRIDAY (For those that don't know, it wasn't that long ago that
Catholics were not supposed to eat meat on Friday.) One summer, a Jewish
man moved into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Jew would drive
the Catholics crazy because, while they were eating fish, he would be
outside grilling steaks. The Catholics asked him to stop, in fact, they
tried to convert him. Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics
succeeded. They took the Jew to a priest who sprinkled holy water on the
Jew and intones: ....."Born a Jew ......Raised a Jew ......Now a
Catholic." The Catholics were ecstatic. No more steak aroma filling the
air every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of
barbecue once again filled the neighborhood. The Catholics rushed over to
the Jew's house in order to remind him of his new Catholic "diet." When
they arrived, they saw him standing over the grill. He was sprinkling
water on the meat and they heard him say... ....."Born a cow ......Raised
a cow ......Now a fish."

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There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the supermarket. A
man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him
that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he
did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go
ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There is a stupid man out
there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was
finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in
a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around
here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Canada sir". "Oh
really? Why did you leave Canada" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just prostitutes and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Canada!!", said the manager. The boy replied, "Really!
What team did she play for?"

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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his
father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car.
His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal
with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and
get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if
they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's
study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You
have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently,
but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been
thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long
hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied,"Yes, and they walked every where they went!"

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Pizza shop slogan:
7 days without pizza makes one Weak!!
************

At a Tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
- Adolph Herbstrei
************

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
Hello, can we pick your nose?
-Chanel Rose
************

Sign at the psychic's hotline:
Don't call us, We'll call you.
-IBDOUGELL
************

At a towing company:
"We won't charge an arm and a leg.
We want tows."
-Phred
************

Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop
reading these signs"
-Joe E Bowers, Jr.

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Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."Both
lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And
you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket
and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon...

"Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case
solely on its merits."

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A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he
could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. Again the
kangaroo was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. So the
fence was extended to twenty-foot. But the kangaroo was out the next
morning. Frustrated the the zoo officials built a fence forty feet high...

A camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo: "How much higher do you
think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless
somebody locks the gate at night!"

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