ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now
growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they
are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never be dishonest if the truth will do
more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.


More factoid thoughts or warped philosophies.

* Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

* There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt.

* Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an
aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

* The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant
atmosphere ... and let the air out of their tires. -Dorothy Parker

* Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

* Families are like fudge .. Mostly sweet with a few nuts.

* Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

* Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

* My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

* One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.

* If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

* Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can
happen to you the rest of the day!

* You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and
wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

* Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters
and too young to borrow the family car.


Bumper Stickers Spotted

01. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
02. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
03. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
04. All generalizations are false, including this one.
05. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
06. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
07. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
08. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
09. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
10. Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
11. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
12. Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
13. Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
14. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
15. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
16. Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
17. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
19. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
19. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
20. Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?