Actual Answering Machine Messages
(recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of
Answering Machine Answers)

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Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid
institution, you didn't send me enough money. If you are my friends, you
owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

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(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of
toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible
speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.
The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

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"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk
to it instead. Wait for the beep." "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What
are you?"

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"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

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"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need sliding windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are
clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their
picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and
they will get back to you."

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"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a
number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

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"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me
a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

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"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right
now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's
safe to leave us a message."

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"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy
now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist
suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to
leave your name, number, and a message."

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A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why
we're not here. So leave a message.

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