*Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

*Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with...

*If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.

*43.3% of statistics are meaningless!

*Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

*A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.

*It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.

*Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?

* |||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.

*Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

*Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit!

*Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician.

*Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.

*The buck doesn't even slow down here!

*Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

*If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.

*Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!

*The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

*Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.

*Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

*Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

*Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.

*Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

*Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book.

*We do precision guesswork.

*My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.

*'Oh what a tangled web we weave' - Hair Club for Men.

*A penny saved is a government oversight.

*Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark.

*Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.


Some intriguing questions & observiations:

*If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

*If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

*I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

*If a tin whistle is made out of tin, then what, exactly, is a fog horn
made out of?

*Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

*What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
[That's easy: "skin" color]

*If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

*Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

*Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what
time it is?

*Why do banks charge you an "insufficient funds fee" on money they already
know you don't have?

*Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

*What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

*Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

*When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It
sounds like a near hit to me!

*Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

*Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of
everything outdoors?

*When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

*Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's
not adoor?

*Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell
him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

*How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked
when someone threw a gun at him?

*Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

*What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

*Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

*Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

*Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

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