You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,
then used against you.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Change is inevitable.... except from vending machines.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."

Guests who kill talk show hosts-On the last Geraldo.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

And finally....

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you....