An LA tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's
Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a
detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so
interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it
costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a
thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the
story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction
complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm.
As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from
a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his
shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer
drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two
blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to
point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as
multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and
abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the
waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full
tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing
hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he
comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks
long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post,
grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco
Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and
clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide
of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop, where the
owner says to him "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story!"

"No," replies the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze Trojan."

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

The USC Football Academic Adviser comes into Coach John Hackett's
office and tells the coach that a star player has three F's and a C
at the midterm grading period. Coach Hackett replies:
"It looks like he's spending too much time on one subject."

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

Q: What do you say to a USC football player dressed in a coat and a tie?

A: Will the defendant please rise.

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

Q: How do the Trojans spell defense?

A: H-I-D-E

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

Q: What does a Trojan and a bottle of beer have in common?

A: They're both empty from the neck up.

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

A guy comes into a hospital to get a brain transplant and is offered
the brain of either a UCLA or USC grad.
"Why I'll take the USC brain, of coures," he said. When the doc asked
why, the man replied, "I understand those don't get much use."

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

Q: Why does the USC football team play their home games on natural turf?

A: So that their cheerleaders have a place to graze at halftime.

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

Q: How many Trojans does it take to change a flat tire?

A: Just one. Unless it's a blowout and then the whole team shows up.

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

It costs a lot of money to go to college these days. Take USC. You pay
approximately $1,500 to take a class. After graduation you find you have
no class at all.

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

Q: What is the difference between Trojan Football and Corn Flakes?

A: Corn Flakes know what to do in a bowl.

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

Did you hear that the USC offense couldn't get into their dorm today?
Apparently someone had put an end zone in front of it.

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

Q: What do you get when you get 32 Trojan Alumni together in one room?

A: A full set of teeth.

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

Q: Why is USC referred to as a private school?

A: Nobody wants it to be publicly known that they went there.

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

Tow USC football players were given a special SAT test to meet their
admission requirements. Soon after the test began the first guy turns
to the second guy to ask, "Old McDonald had a what?"

The other replies, "He had a farm."

The first asks, "How do you spell it?"

The second football player answers, "E-I-E-I-O."

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

Q: What is the difference between a USC diploma and toilet paper?

A: About $80,000 per sheet.

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

Q: What does a USC alum say to a UCLA alum?

A: Would you like to super-size your order?

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

Q: How many USC freshmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. That's a sophomore course.

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

Q: At what point does a person decide to enroll at USC?

A: After receiving the rejection letters from UCLA, Harvard, Cypress and Orange Coast College.

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

Q: Did you hear that The Rolling Stones are playing at (USC) the Coliseum?

A: Yeah, they're 10-point favorites.

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

Q: Why do the University of Southern California graduates hang their diplomas from the rear view mirror?

A: To justify their handicap parking.

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

Q: Do you know why the USC football team should change its name to the "Opposums"?

A: Beacause the play dead at home and get killed on the road.

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

Q: How do you keep USC Trojans out of your backyard?

A: Put up goalposts.

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

A UCLA student and a USC student are both using the men's room. When they finish their
business, the UCLA student heads for the door, while the USC student heads for the sink.

The Trojan calls to the UCLA student, "At USC, they teach us to wash our hands after
using the bathroom."

The UCLA student replies, "At UCLA, they teach us not to mess our hands."

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

Q: Why doesn't USC have ice on the sidelines during games?

A: The guy with the recipe graduated.

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

Three high school buddies went to different colleges: One to UCLA, one to UC Berkeley and
one to USC. They decided to go to the Olympics in Atlanta. However, they were broke and
couldn't get in to see any events.

The Bruin gets an idea and grabs a hubcap from his car. He walks to the gate and says,
"I'm from UCLA, and I'm a discus thrower." He's let in.

The Bear finds a broom handle, goes to the gate and says, "I'm from UC Berkeley, and
I'm a javelin thrower." He's let in.

The Trojan looks around, finds what he needs and goes to the gate. He's wrapped in
barbed wire, covered with splinters and is all bloody. The person at the gate says,
"What the heck are you?" The Trojan replies, "I'm from USC, and I'm a fencer."

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

Q: Did you hear the story about the semi truck carrying pigs that flipped-over on
USC campus?

A: The officials had to check ID's before letting anyone back on board.

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

Q: What do you get when you drive slowly by the University of California campus?

A: A degree.

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

Q: What do a USC student and a UCLA student have in common?

A: They both got accepted to USC!

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

Question on the USC entrance exam: Spell USC (You have to get two out of three right to get in.)

A USC guy tried to turn it around. He said: "Spell UCLA. You gotta get 2 out of 3.."

UCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINSUCLABRUINS

There's a UCLA Bruin, a Texas Longhorn and a USC Trojan that all just broke out of
jail. They went to hide out in an old animal warehouse. The Longhorn and Bruin each hid
in a box and the Trojan hid in a bag. The police walked in and knocked on the Longhorn's box
and the Longhorn replied, "Moo!" The police said, "Oh, it's just a cow," and continued
searching. Next they knocked on the Bruin's box and the Bruin said, "Oink! Oink!"
The police said, "Oh, it's just a pig," and kept on searching. Then, the police walked over
and shook the bag and the Trojan said, "Potatoes!"