A USC grad sees an ad for a $99 cruise. So, he goes down to the
travel
agent and shells out his money. The travel agent hits him over the head
with a baseball bat, stuffs him in a sack, throws him out the back
window onto a raft and cuts the raft loose.
The USC grad wakes up to find himself adrift, along with another USC
grad. The first USC grad says "I hope they serve dinner on this cruise."
The second USC grad replies, "They didn't last year."
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A child is brought to family court to choose which parent he prefers to
live with. The judge then speaks, "Son, which of your two parents do
you want to live with?
The kid is silent.
The judge chimes in, "Your mother?"
"Nah, she beats me."
A shock look comes across the judge's face. He calms down. "Your
father?"
"Nah, he beats me too!"
The judge becomes dumbfounded. "Well who do you want to live with?"
"Well, your honor, I would like to live with those USC Trojans -- they
don't
beat anyone."
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Q: What does the average USC player get on his SAT?
A: Drool.
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A Bruin and a Trojan were strolling down the street when the Bruin said,
"How sad--a dead bird."
The Trojan looked up and said, "Where, where?"
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Q: Do you know why USC are nicknamed the Trojans and UCLA the Bruins?
A: USC chose first!"
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UCLA is playing at the Coliseum (home of the USC Trojans). The Trojans
have a
first down with three minutes left in the half. A Trojan fan sets off
a
firecracker, and UCLA, thinking it's the end of the half, runs off the
field.
Three plays later, USC punted.
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A UCLA Bruin computer science major was given an artificial intelligence
assignment
for one of his classes. He ended up creating a program where you could
have a
conversation with your computer based on your IQ level.
To test his program he entered "80" and had a conversation with his
computer about
Soap Operas. He entered "100" and talked about politics. He entered
"150" and talked
about nuclear physics.
Just to see what would happen, he entered "-50". The computer bumped and
belched and
sparked and smoked for a good 10 minutes. When it finally settled down it
displayed "How
'bout them Trojans!"
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Paul Hackett gave his USC Trojan football team a few days off. Several
decided
to go to Las Vegas for fun and relaxation. Coach Hackett saw the players
the first
day back and practice and asked about their vacation.
"Not good coach," said the players. "We never made it to Las Vegas."
"Why not," the coach asked, "car trouble?"
"No," they replied, "every few miles down the interstate we saw signs that
said,
'Exit, Clean Restrooms'. You have no idea how many restrooms we cleaned
between
Los Angeles and Las Vegas.
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The UCLA Bruin grad walked into the bar, sat down and said, "Hey barkeep,
you hear
the joke about the four USC players in a farmhouse?"
Chairs scraped behind him, and four of the biggest, meanest guys in the
bar stood
up. "We played for USC. You sure you wanna tell that joke?"
The UCLA grad smirked in disbelief and said, "What, and have to explain it
four times?"
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The son of a very rich Arab sheik was graduating from UCLA. The sheik
went up to
his son's roommate and told him, "I really appreciate all the help you
have given my
son while you two were in school. Just name a gift, and I will buy it for
you."
The roomate thinks about it and tells the sheik, "Ever since I was a
little kid,
I've always wanted a real Mickey Mouse outfit."
So the sheik bought him the University of Southern California.
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Q: How long does it take a USC football player to run the 40-yard dash?
A: I don't know. After the sixth yard they get tired of climbing over the
fences.
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A USC grad decides he wants to raise chickens. So he goes to the feed
store, buys a
bunch of baby chicks, plants 'em feet-first in the ground, and sadly after
a couple days
they die.
He figures he's doing something wrong, so he goes back to the feed store
and buys more
chicks. This time he plants 'em headfirst, and they die even faster.
Now this USC grad is at his wit's end, so he decides to write to his alma
mater, tell them what he's doing, and see if maybe they have any
suggestions.
Two weeks later he gets a note back from USC asking for a soil sample.
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After a long wait, two University of Southern California graduates finally
get jobs at a
sawmill. It was their first day on the job. Suddenlty one screams,
"OUCH!!! I lost
my finger!"
The other glances over, "OH yeah, how'd you do that?"
"Well, I was trying to touch this big spinning wheel like thi..gosh!
There goes
another one!"
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Q: How do you become student body president at the University of Southern
California?
A: Win the tractor race.
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Did you hear that USC just bought twenty new septic tanks?
Yeah, and Trojan coach Pual Hackett says as soon as they learn to drive
them, they're
gonna invade Westwood.
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Heard that USC's Paul Hackett was only dressing twenty-two players against
UCLA.
He said the rest could dress themselves!
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Q: How many USC Trojans does it take to change a tire?
A: Just one, but he gets four hours credit and it counts as a lab science!
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Q: How many USC Trojan boys does it take to change a flat tire?
A: Three, two to go for beer and one to call daddy.
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Q: What do you get when you cross a USC fan with a pig?
A: Nothing. There's some things a pig's just not gonna do.
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Two USC students were sitting in a bar at the top of a hotel. A man walks
up and says,
"Hey bartender give me a liquor shot."
The bartender pours up the shot, the man takes the shot, walks over to the
window and
jumps out. The two USC students look at each other in disbelief.
Five minutes later the man reappears at the bar and asks for another
liquor shot.
He take the shot, walks over to the window and jumps out. By this time
the two USC
students can't believe what they have seen.
The two students tell the bartender to give them a shot each of what the
man was having.
The bartender pours up the shots and the students take them. They walk
over to the
window and both jump out. Splat! Splat! They both hit the ground.
The bartender picks up the phone and dials 911 and says, "Yeah, this is
the bartender
at the top of the hotel. You better get an ambulance over here quick,
Superman is
messing with those USC students again.
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A ventriloquist from UCLA walked into a bar just off the USC campus and
asked the
manager if he could do a little performance. The manager thought no harm
could be done
and agreed.
The ventriloquist grabbed a stool, sat down and began telling jokes about
the USC football
team. Suddenly, a huge man wearing a USC T-shirt walked over and said,
"Listen buddy,
I don't know who you think you are telling all these jokes about our
football team.
I for one will not put up with it!"
The ventriloquist quickly apologized and said he would leave. The large
man exclaimed
"I'm not talking to you! I'm talking to that little man sitting on your
lap!"
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A UCLA alumnus had a job in downtown Los Angeles such that his commute
every day led
him on a road alongside the USC campus. Of course, there were always
Weenie USC fans
walking along the road. The UCLA guy made it a practice to hit any
pedestrian Weenies
with his car as he sped by.
One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give
him a ride.
A little further along, he spotted a Weenie walking along the side of the
road. Automatically,
he veered his truck towards the Weenie -- but then remembered his
passenger. He swerved
back to the center, but he still heard a "whump." In the rear view mirror
he spotted the
Weenie rolling across the street.
He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed that USC
guy."
The priest replied, "It's OK, my son. I got him with the door."
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A group of Trojans strut into a bar chanting "51 days! 51 days!"
They're high-fiving
and slapping each other on the back. The bartender says, "What'll it be?"
to the head
Trojan. Head Trojan yells, "Champagne! We're celebrating!
51 days! 51 days!"
Bartender asks, "What exactly is with this '51 days?'"
Head Trojan answers, "We bought a puzzle marked from '3 to 5 years' and we
finished it in
51 days!!! Whoo-hoo!!! 51 days! 51 days!"
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There's a cave where the Lord resides and answers people's questions.
One day,
Bill Clinton, Saddam Hussein, and USC coach Paul Hackett went to ask the
Lord a question each.
Clinton: When will the national deficit be erased?
Lord: By the year 2040.
Clinton: But I won't be around then.
Saddam Hussein: When will Iraq get Kuwait?
Lord: By the year 2050.
Hussein: But I won't be around then.
Paul Hackett: When will I beat UCLA?
Lord: I wont' be around then!
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Q: What should you do if you find three Trojans buried up to their necks
in cement?
A: Get more cement!
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Q: What are the best four years of a Trojan's life?
A: Third grade.
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On a chilly November night in the heart of Los Angeles, Paul Hackett finds
himself trailing
the Bruins by 3 points. His team has the ball on the 3-yard line and it's
fourth down.
Now Paul knows that his job security depends on his ability to beat UCLA.
So, during a
timeout Paul goes to his knees on the sidelines and prays to the Lord for
guidance.
He says, "Lord please tell me what to do here! I need Your help Lord.
Should I kick
the field goal and take my chances in overtime, or should I go for the
touchdown and
the win?"
At that moment a loud rumble thunders from the heavens and Paul hears a
voice call out,
"GO FOR IT!"
Paul replies, "Are Your sure?"
The voice booms, "GO FOR IT!"
Paul is convinced. He sends in the play and USC is stuffed on a sweep
around the right
side. UCLA gets the ball on downs and USC loses the game (What's new?).
Afterwards Paul kneels again and asks, "Lord, why did You tell me to go
for it?"
Paul hears the voice again, "I don't know. Hey, Bob! Why did we tell him
to go for it?"
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Q: How comes the USC football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "W's" together.
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Q: How many USC students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One -- he justs holds onto the bulb and expects the world to revolve
around him.
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General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War
when he found
a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed it, and out came a genie.
The
genie said to the
General, "I grant you one wish."
The General replied, "I wish that we win this war. Here is a map of the
desert and all
the war parties. Please make us win the war."
The Genie responded, "I am not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant
that wish."
"Well," the general responds, "then can you have USC beat UCLA this year?"
After a moment, the genie says, "Let me see that map again."
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Q: How do you make Trojan cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours!
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Bob Toledo and Paul Hackett were talking about their favorite all-time
college coaches.
Bob said, "My favorite has got to be Knute Rockne. When I die and go to
heaven, I am
going to run right up to him and tell him how much I admired him and how
much of a
positive influence I think he had on the game."
Paul asked, "What if Coach Rockne didn't go to heaven?"
Bob replied, "Then you can tell him for me."
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Newly hired USC coach Paul Hackett decided to take a drive over to the
UCLA workout sessions at Spaulding Field to get some early scouting
in. When he arrived, he glanced over to see that Coach Toledo had spotted
him watching the practice. Knowing now that he had been found out,
Hackett decided to go over and chat with Toledo.
"What’s your secret for having such a successful team, Bob?", asked
Hackett.
Toledo replied "Quickness is the key to everything."
Hackett shook his head and said, "Wait a minute. I have plenty
of guys on my team that can blaze down the field."
Toledo said, "No, not running quickness. I’m talking about mental
quickness. Here, let me show you what I mean. Cade! Cade! Get over here
for a second son."
McNown comes sprinting over to Toledo and asks him what he needs.
Toledo asks McNown who his father’s brother’s nephew is and with no
hesitation Cade answers, "Why that’s easy coach, I am." Toledo turns
to Hackett and tells him that is what he is talking about.
Hackett rushes back to the USC practice field and yells for RJ Soward
to come to the sidelines on the double. RJ comes over and Hackett asks
him the same question Toledo asked McNown. RJ scratches his head and
tells Hackett he’ll have to think about it. RJ sees Van Raaphorst and
asks him the question with Van Raaphorst responding that the answer is me.
RJ gets the idea and runs back to Hackett and tells him that the answer to
the question is Mike Van Raaphorst.
Hackett shakes his head and said "No, no, no! That’s not the answer
son. The answer to the question I gave you is Cade McNown."
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After the 1997 USC vs. UCLA football game John Robinson was inducted
into the UCLA Hall of Fame..
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Q: What do USC grads and tornados have in common?
A: They always seem to end up in trailer parks.
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Q: How does a USC grad measure success?
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Q: Why don't Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So they don not get mistaken for USC cheerleaders.
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A: Did you hear about the football player that transfered from UCLA to
USC?
A: He raised the scholastic average of both schools.
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I once knew a USC grad who studied 5 days to take an urine test...
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Q: What did the Trojan do when he heard that most traffic accidents occur
within 7 miles of home?
A: He moved.
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Q: What's the difference between USC fans and a litter of puppies?
A: Eventually, the litter of puppies grows up and stops whining.
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Q: How do you get an USC alum off your doorstep?
A: You pay him for the pizza!
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Guy walks into a bar on the day of the big game with his dog. It’s decked
out in Blue and Gold and yaps excitedly every time UCLA scores, and growls
like a raging wolf when USC scores. When the band plays it runs around the
bar like a crazed hyena and when UCLA finally wins, it jumps onto the bar
and leads the whole crowd in an 8-clap.
The bartender, amazed, asks the owner "Wow! That’s so incredible!
What
does he do when USC wins?"
The owner replies, "I have no idea, he’s only 8 years old."
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